A (part 1)

or déclaration à l'homme de ma vie

I Know the exact day and time I knew I was in love with you. It was the day i first saw you and since then there was a before and an after.

I didn’t know that you will be my first real love(unrequited thus) what i felt for other guys before that i mistaken for love was physical attraction. But despite your soul-stirring beauty there was something else that made me fall for you. I still wonder what it is maybe it was your ocean eyes or your intelligence or your gambling addiction maybe your nicotine one too or perhaps your culture or social and emotional intelligence …written down these all feel placid but in my eyes and in my heart these are the most exquisite things i own . for a brief moments experiencing your presence admiring the view that you offer and feeling the love you will give was the pleasure of my existence.

i remember thinking back in the days when you were there that i could fight all the women that wants you but never the one that you love . the lucky women the chosen one if i ever met her i would stare at her for hours with rage and envy and rage and love . i would examine her from head to toes i would ripe her wide open so i can exchange souls and eat her heart so i might feel what you made her feel.

i was a girl striving for physical love for sex but then after you i knew that just your presence would make me feel the way i desperately tried to have after a one night stand. i imagine myself in your arms and i exalt i dream and i wonder i hope and i yearn. for you the raging bull inside of me will turn still for you i will be soft and for you i will be fragile i will let glass penetrate me and eviscerate me. i will be innocent and pure and weak and perfect whatever you want me to be considerate it done .

everything now is about you love songs , quotes , jokes i close my eyes and all i see is you all the version of you i know the smiling the stressed the anxious the funny one but my favorite is the pensive one you were sitting between trees the sun setting directly in a orange tone at you i was facing you i was staring at you and in my mind i was eating you eating your flesh and bones .Bones and all if it means having you in me.

For the first time i thought that in a society that sees your outer appearance i was seeing your soul its pretentious to say so but its true. Tell me the things that you hate about yourself so i know where to start i will kiss them until they turn red until i reach your bones until i will uncover the essence of your being.

at night i pray to a god i’m not entirely sure about the existence to protect you and if i die young i hope i will be your guardian angel so i will look over you just as now i ask in my prayer. i even told the moon to watch over you .You are so deeply tied into my soul that nobody absence or presence will disturb it.

if you ever see this :

you and me

we would be magnificent you know?

As much i remember the moment i knew i was in love with you i still remember the exact moment i knew it was to late for us.

In every heartbeat, I find a reason to adore you.

In every breath, I whisper my devotion to you.

I love you.